Cars

I’m obsessed with berries. Strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, blackberries, you name it, I love it. Every year whilst they’re in season, I drive down to the berry farms just outside of Cambridge, Tasmania, and I fill up four 1kg tubs with berries. The 4kg of berries usually lasts me about six months, and when I run out I begrudgingly eat the berries from the supermarket until I can go to the berry farms again. 

This year, on my way home from a very successful berry-haul I realised that something was wrong with my car. In the middle of a hot spring day with 4kgs of berries in the car, I wasn’t willing to risk my car breaking down. Once picked, the berries need to be frozen or refrigerated or they’ll go bad. There was no way I was going to waste 4kg worth of berries because I ignored my car problems, and so, I drove straight to the local mechanic to get a car service. Near Cambridge, this wasn’t too difficult, as everything is pretty close by.

When I was at the mechanic shop, I asked if I could borrow their fridge. They looked confused, but once I explained that I had 4kg of berries in the back seat, they agreed. I was relieved that my berries were nice and cool whilst the mechanic checked out my car. As it turned out, I was right to get my car checked. Apparently, something was wrong with battery in my car and I desperately required an auto electrician. Around Cambridge, auto workshops are essentially one-stop-shops, and so I was lucky that I didn’t have to go to somewhere else. That way I could keep my berries in the fridge the whole time, ensuring that they are as fresh as possible for the next six months.

I’m very lucky that I got my car serviced when I did, and even more so that the mechanics just happened to have a huge, empty fridge.

My boyfriend and I are going on a road trip this weekend! It’s currently Friday afternoon at 2:30pm and I am pretty much jumping out of my seat at work. I just really want it to hit 5:00pm so I can, for lack of a better phrase, get the heck out of here. I just want it to be the weekend. The sooner I’m out of here, the sooner our little getaway will begin. 

Because I’m in such a rush after work, I made sure to get everything prepared during the week. I packed last night and have my bags in the car ready to go. I also got a car service near Hawthorn on Monday evening, just so I could be certain that my car would be able to make the distance of the road trip. I absolutely don’t want anything to get in the way of my short little holiday. I can’t even stress enough how badly I want to maximise my time away. I even went food shopping the other day so that we don’t have to waste time shopping while we’re away.

It’s sad to say, but it’s not often that I get to enjoy myself. That’s why I’m so excited about this. I finally get to enjoy one of my weekends! It’s unheard of. I’m usually always working, but my boyfriend convinced me to take time for myself just this once. I’m so glad that he did. I’m so excited about going away that I even told my mechanic. Local to Hawthorn though I am, I often forget to connect with my fellow locals. The mechanic was really happy for me. He promised me that my car would be in perfect condition ready for today. 

Wow! I just got the best news ever. It’s now 3:30pm and my boss just told me that he’s happy for me to leave early as long as I make the extra hour up next week. To say that I’m stoked in an understatement. 

I’ve just purchased three second hand cars to use as the company cars for my business. Myself and my employees often have to drive to different clients for pitches and meetings, which we were originally doing in our own cars. As we are all from different financial backgrounds, some of the cars weren’t quite up to the standard that we like to present ourselves to our clients. That’s not anyone’s fault, but appearances are very important in this business and so it was clear that something needed to be done. Once the accountants found enough money in the budget, they gave me the go-ahead to source some second hand vehicles to be used as company cars.

The cars have just been shipped to Australia, and it is now my responsibility to get each car a roadworthy certificate. Northcote is near where the cars are being delivered, so I have booked in the service for two weeks time. That time frame gives the cars enough time to arrive in Australia and allows some buffer time in case something goes wrong. I’m sure once I take the car to get its certificate, there will be other work that needs to be done to ensure the safety of my employees. 

I don’t know much about cars, especially older cars, but I’m going to assume that Australia has more stringent roadworthy guidelines than some other places do. Now, this is just an assumption, of course I could be wrong and the cars could be in perfect working order, but I doubt it. I’m guessing that the cars will need some sort of transmission service to ensure their safety. Seeing as I purchased the cars pretty cheap, I’m willing to spend a decent amount of money maximising their safety, as if anything went wrong the liability would fall on myself and the company. I definitely don’t want any lawsuits coming my way. 

Welcome back to another blog post where I answer questions about my fabulous career as an actor. I’m Zach Jordan. You might remember me from such films as I Don’t Like Sand and You Shall Not Pass. I have quite enjoyed this series so far, despite my initial apprehension. So, let’s just jump into the first question.

Felicity asks: When you were filming I’ve Got a Jar of Dirt, in Western Australia, there were a lot of car stunts, right? Where did you get your car repaired? I’m asking for a friend in Midvale.

Your friend is very lucky to live in Midvale because I know the perfect mechanic there. He does great car service near Midvale and is definitely worth visiting. We had all sorts of issues while making that film. Why at one point the tyres exploded and we had to get a completely new set. Then there were engine issues, electrical issues, exhaust issues. You name it, and there was a problem with that car. But that’s what happens when you make an apocalypse movie and have to use an old vehicle!

Thomas asks: Hi Zachie J, will you DJ at my friend’s birthday party?

No.

Sarah asks: When you were filming in Australia was it hard to deal with the heat? How often did you need a car aircon regas?

Well, as I said before, pretty much any car issue you can name, we had while making that movie. We had to get regular servicing and yes, a regular regas. Say, I’m starting to notice a pattern of oddly specific questions in these blog posts. Can we get some variety, please?

Bailey asks: Can you enlighten us on the experience of filming in the Australian desert? What was it like working with such an old car? Did it need repairs very often?

And we’re done here. My producer really needs to filter these comments better, because we’re not actually getting any quality questions through. Anyway, keep an eye out for my next film, What An Idiot.

People in movies and television shows talk about the next Great American Novel, but I’ve been waiting for the next Great Australian Novel. I’m a publisher by trade, always keeping an eye out for the next big thing that can get my publishing house up there with the best. Today I thought I’d found it, but as they often do, this one ended in disappointment.

The author I got so excited for had written a book about something I thought would be quite boring: getting auto electrical repairs in Toowoomba. But my goodness, the voice of the protagonist was so strong, their pacing was excellent, and their imagery was like nothing I’d ever read. There was only one problem: the ending was awful. I don’t know what the writer was thinking, but the protagonist decided to sell his car to the mechanic for a bottle of lemonade, which he proceeded to drop and slip onto, falling through a crack in time and appearing in 1920s America. And that was the end of the book! I couldn’t believe it. Obviously, the author is setting up for a potential sequel, but even though that is a terrible idea, they refuse to change it.

I just can’t get it out of my head. We didn’t even find out what was wrong with the car. Why was our hero at the mechanic? For a car air conditioning service? We’ll never know! I don’t understand. Is there something wrong with me? Was the ending supposed to be subversive, like that movie, The Last Shed-Guy? Knowing my track record, though, this book will probably go on to make millions. I’ve passed up seven bestsellers already. It seems I don’t have the best taste. Maybe the market wants a book about Australian regional cities and car repair that ends with a cliffhanger in a completely different genre. If they do, good for them, but I’ll pass. 

– Janet McCallom

“All right children,” I said to the third-graders, “who can tell me how to install a new motor in an automobile?”

They all looked at me with complete confusion.

I refuse to talk down to my students. They might only be eight years old and currently clueless, but how else are they going to learn? Sometimes it’s a real drag, like this morning, when I asked that question.

Eventually, I just sighed and decided to move on. “Let’s try something else then. I’d like someone to tell me the difference between auto mechanics and auto electrical. Brighton needs plenty of people in these fields, so pay attention.” To my shock, one of the students actually lifted his hand. “Yes, Billy?”

“Ms Frankie, may I go to the bathroom?”

I knew I shouldn’t have agreed to take the third-graders. I was perfectly happy teaching sixth grade, where the students at least had some idea of what I was talking about. I felt like they were actually learning about how to avoid committing tax fraud and the benefits of democracy.

“You may go as soon as you tell me, in your opinion, which is the best car service shop in Brighton.”

“The one with the cars!” Billy said, standing and running for the door. I didn’t bother to ask him for more details.

After that, one of my students groaned and said, “Ms Frankie, why can’t we go out to lunch like the rest of the kids? I’m hungry.”

I shook my head. I’d already explained it several times over. “Do you really think playing on the monkey bars and eating a tuna sandwich is going to help you get a job? No, it’s not. Instead, we will learn about why extended warranties are better in theory than in reality, much like a prequel trilogy of Star Battles movies or anything starring both Seth Bogan and James Frankfurt.”

Hopefully one day I’ll get through to them. Otherwise, their futures might be doomed.