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Laundry Design Woes

I honestly think I have the worst laundry in the southern hemisphere. I don’t want to swear, but wow, it is that bad that I could. I have a dodgy washing machine and about a 30cm bench next to it, in a tiny cupboard that can’t even have a door because the washing machine protrudes out of the cupboard. It’s an eyesore and isn’t functional in the slightest. To say I hate it would be an understatement. I’m always embarrassed when people come over and see it, it’s just the worst. 

Last week I reached my tipping point. I had absolutely had enough of the worst “laundry” in the world and called a variety of top laundry designers. My only brief was something better than what I’ve currently got. That is surely not difficult in the slightest. They could simply add a door and I’d be 100% happier than I already am. Luckily the designers that I’ve chosen are going to do more than just add a door, and have completely reinvented the space. They’re design has doubled the laundry’s size and made it a billion times more functional than it currently is. I’m stoked. I’ll have to get builders in to remove a couple of walls, but that is an investment I am definitely ready to make.

I guess I really am an adult now. I never thought I’d get excited over the best laundry renovations Melbourne has to offer. When I moved here to begin my adult life,  I knew this fantastic city would inevitably have fantastic laundries. After all this, I’ll be able to join the upper echelon with top class, magazine-worthy laundries, and I am so excited. 

Once my laundry is ready, I might start saving to redesign my bathroom. That’ll be five or so years off at least, but it’s smart to start saving up. If my laundry designers do a good job, I’ll most likely use them for the bathroom too. Fingers crossed. 

The Magic Ink

In the bustling heart of Brisbane, known for its vibrant art scene and bustling cafes, lived a woman named Tessa, a loyal patron of a popular local tattoo parlour. An ardent lover of body art, Tessa held an impressive array of tattoos, each one symbolising a special moment, a memory, or simply her eccentric love for Australian fauna. One particular afternoon, she decided to get a new tattoo of her favourite bird – a kookaburra.

She contacted her usual professional tattooist based in Brisbane and booked an appointment. The tattoo parlour was abuzz with patrons keen to try out their latest offering – a revolutionary new ink dubbed the ‘Lively Ink’. This supposed breakthrough, they claimed, would bring tattoos to life, offering a dynamic, never-seen-before experience. Intrigued, Tessa decided to give it a try, unknowingly opening a door to a realm of the uncanny.

Upon getting her new kookaburra tattoo, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. It was a beautifully stylised image, the embodiment of a kookaburra in flight, delicately etched onto her forearm. But by the next day, her tattoo seemed to have taken the ‘lively’ claim quite literally. Her once static kookaburra was flapping its wings, its motion constrained within the boundaries of the inked outline.

As days passed, she reached out to fellow patrons of the parlour, discovering she was not alone. Many of them experienced their tattoos shifting and morphing, tales of inked roses blooming, or waves curling around an inked lighthouse. Concern escalated quickly, and their sense of awe was rapidly replaced with trepidation. Soon, the tattoo parlour was flooded with customers seeking tattoo removal services near Brisbane, desperate to restore normalcy.

Rather than panicking, Tessa resolved to delve deeper, to figure out what had caused this extraordinary situation. And so, with determination in her heart and a flapping kookaburra on her arm, she embarked on her quest to understand the truth behind the ‘Lively Ink’. The path she trod was a treacherous one, but Tessa was resolute. She knew she had to find answers, not just for herself but for everyone who had become a living canvas for this inked mystery.

Common Shoulder Surgeries

Last evening, while having dinner, I unexpectedly found myself engrossed in a documentary on common medical procedures. Though unsure of the reason behind my choice, I decided to embrace the opportunity to acquire fresh knowledge. The segment that captivated my attention was focused on shoulders, exploring the myriad of issues that can afflict them. Many of these problems stem from ageing or sports-related injuries.

One such procedure highlighted was shoulder joint replacement surgery, a common intervention undergone by thousands of individuals annually. This staggering number serves as a testament to the importance of bone health. However, even this figure pales in comparison to the hundreds of thousands undergoing knee and hip replacement surgeries. Typically, shoulder surgery is considered when non-surgical remedies, such as medication and physical activity, have proven ineffective. The threshold of pain one must endure before opting for surgery is unimaginable to me.

Occasionally, while passing by the offices of a shoulder surgeon close to Melbourne, I’ve noticed individuals emerging with their arms cradled in slings. I can’t help but wonder about the causes of their injuries and the trajectory of their recovery. The healing process varies widely, ranging from several months of intensive physical therapy to relatively quicker rehabilitation, depending on the individual circumstances.

The documentary provided detailed insights into the intricacies of shoulder replacement surgery. This procedure involves the removal of damaged shoulder components, replaced by artificial counterparts known as prostheses. Most recipients of such surgeries endure severe symptoms, experiencing excruciating shoulder pain during routine activities and even being robbed of peaceful sleep due to constant discomfort. This emphasises the significance of diligently caring for our shoulders to prevent such challenging conditions.

In hindsight, I’m glad that the documentary unexpectedly found its way into my evening. It shed light on a realm of medical knowledge I hadn’t previously explored. As I contemplate the struggles of those grappling with shoulder ailments, I’m reminded of the need for proactive healthcare, nurturing and safeguarding our bodies to ensure a healthy and pain-free future.

Building Custom Kitchens

Rebecca found great joy in being a rat most of the time, but whenever she interacted with Remy, she wished she were human, just so she could avoid understanding his nonsensical chatter. Remy seemed to talk endlessly about trivial matters, and she suspected it was solely because he enjoyed the sound of his own voice. His popularity among the other rats puzzled her, and she couldn’t help but wonder if it was merely because of his wealth.

Today, Remy’s latest idea, which Rebecca was forced to endure, involved his newfound interest in becoming one of the best bathroom designers Melbourne had to offer. Although he had designed a few bathrooms in the past, Rebecca found his work to be outlandish. His focus on opulence and extravagance, driven by his pursuit of money, often resulted in bathrooms adorned with solid gold and ornate mirrors, but lacking in functionality. As a rat, Rebecca knew the importance of a functional bathroom, especially when navigating the dirty sewers all day.

Remy persistently tried to persuade Rebecca to allow him to redesign her bathroom, but she was perfectly content with her own. She had crafted her dream bathroom beneath the city almost a decade ago, designed with her favourite colours, pink and purple, and perfectly suited to her needs. It even boasted a vanity mirror where she could apply her makeup. Knowing Remy’s penchant for extravagant makeovers, she feared he would ruin her sanctuary in an attempt to make it look more luxurious. Instead, she suggested he consider venturing into the custom kitchens business, but he remained unwavering in his bathroom-design aspirations.

Surprisingly, Remy had already begun to intrude upon other rats’ homes, redesigning their bathrooms without permission. He executed these stealthy renovations when the occupants were away or asleep, leaving them to discover the changes upon returning. Aware of Remy’s determination, Rebecca understood that she could eventually convince him otherwise if she kept engaging with him in conversation.

Becoming Glass Boss

From the moment I embarked on my very first job, I knew deep down that my ultimate goal would be to become my own boss. Owning a business offers a sense of freedom that cannot be replicated elsewhere. Undoubtedly, it requires tremendous effort, but it is a dream worth pursuing. Thankfully, I have achieved significant success over the years. My luxury toilet company has soared to become one of the world’s leading enterprises, raking in billions in profit annually. I take immense pride in my work, finding it incredibly rewarding. But there’s more to my business ethos – nurturing an extraordinary company culture is equally vital. Allow me to share my approach. 

Recently, I made a strategic move by enlisting one of the finest window tinting companies Melbourne boasts. Their mission was to revamp our office space, as I firmly believe that a brilliant working environment is key to fostering employee satisfaction. The office space had been purchased two decades ago, tailor-made to our needs at the time, and has not undergone a significant renovation in nearly three decades. Though it might soon require a major overhaul, for now, frosting and tinting some of the windows offer an effortless yet substantial transformation in ambience.

The advantages of frosted window glass are indeed noteworthy, particularly in Australia’s warmer climate. Tinted glass effectively deflects the sun’s rays, maintaining a cool and comfortable atmosphere within the offices during the scorching summer months. Additionally, it presents an excellent opportunity to bid farewell to those unappealing fluorescent lights and embrace the beauty of natural light. I am eagerly anticipating the spectacular results this enhancement will bring.

As a business owner, I strive to create an exceptional workplace for my employees while continually seeking ways to optimise the company’s performance and overall environment. Embracing positive changes, such as the window upgrades, is just one step towards cultivating an even more inspiring and enjoyable workplace for everyone. With determination and dedication, I am confident that our company will continue to flourish while staying true to its values and principles.

Tiny Miniature Roses

In a dark sewer on the outskirts of Melbourne’s CBD, fate brought Romeo the rat face-to-face with the love of his life. During his lunch break, while rushing towards a pop-up store selling peanuts smothered in melted cheese, he collided with her—Ruliet. With her glistening black eyes and twitching whiskered nose, she was the most captivating sight he had ever beheld. After exchanging apologies, they couldn’t bear to part ways, and since then, they’ve met almost daily, growing inseparable.

Now, two months into their enchanting relationship, Romeo hatches a surprise plan. Throughout their time together, roses, particularly miniature roses designed for rats, have played a significant role. Romeo regularly stops at the dingy sewer flower store on his way home from work, bringing back roses for Ruliet. His upcoming surprise takes that idea to a grander level. Bravely venturing aboveground, he secures a small patch of land as a gift for Ruliet. Though not much, just a square metre of grass and dirt a short distance from a human fast-food restaurant, it’s a heartfelt offering that he intends to transform entirely.

To begin, Romeo will plant thornless roses to add vibrant colours to the space. The choice of thornless roses is essential for their safety, as once the bush grows to its full height, navigating underneath it could prove perilous with sharp thorns threatening from every angle. He would never want his beloved Ruliet to endure such risks. Transforming the garden will demand considerable effort as he scurries around different human gardening stores, discreetly procuring small portions of seeds. Yet, every bit of hard work will be worth it when he sees the sheer surprise and joy on Ruliet’s face.

In this remarkable tale of romance, Romeo the rat’s love and dedication prove that even in the unlikeliest of places, true love can bloom and flourish. With the miniature rose garden as a testament to their bond, their love story will continue to thrive amid the bustling world of humans and rodents alike.

Corporate Video Presentation 

‘I’m glad you could all be here today,’ the new executive spoke from the front of the boardroom. Most people speaking to the board spoke uncomfortably, like ten-year-olds giving a book report. But this man… he was confident.

         He was impressive.

         ‘I have exciting news to share with you,’ he said, speaking to everyone in the room and also, somehow, specifically to me. ‘As some of you may be aware, I’ve been tasked by our esteemed leadership to bolster our brand image, bring in prospective clients from across the country with a new, exciting vision.’

         A smattering of nods and the occasional ‘hear, hear’ from the dinosaurs in the room. I fought the urge to roll my eyes, then remembered I was in charge and did it anyway.

         ‘My plan was simple,’ the hotshot went on. ‘I was just going to track down a video production company near Melbourne to help produce a corporate video.

         His gaze slid around the room, as he paused for dramatic effect.

         ‘But that’s not what I’ve done,’ he said.

         Confusion rippled across the board. I began to frown as well.

         ‘What do you mean?’ I asked, hesitantly. ‘We had an agreement.’

         ‘Our agreement was that I would bolster your brand image,’ he said. ‘Not how I would do it.’

         ‘No,’ I shook my head. ‘You were pretty explicitly told that we wanted a marketing video production expert.’

         ‘But what I’m delivering you is so much better,’ he said, eyes sparkling. He reached into his pocket and pulled out – his smartphone.

         ‘Social media engagement,’ he began.

         ‘Nope,’ I cut him off, rising to my feet and leaning over for the intercom. ‘Security, come and retrieve this man.’

         ‘What?’ he asked, face sinking into a pale white. ‘But you haven’t heard my pitch yet.’

         ‘Sorry, kid,’ I said, gathering my papers and heading for the door. ‘But I’ve heard more than enough.’

         ‘Three words?’

         ‘Yeah,’ I chuckled. ‘Just one of them would have sent you packing. Three? No chance.’

         I swept out of the room, leaving him and the rest of the board looking very confused.

Writing About Bathrooms

I’ve spent my whole day thinking about, writing about and talking about bathrooms. So I figured, why not talk about them in my personal blog as well! I don’t even really care about bathrooms. Yes, I appreciate a nicely designed, modern bathroom and I don’t particularly like old bathrooms, but I don’t obsess over them in magazines or anything like so many of my friends do. That’s why I’ve been talking about bathrooms all day.

My friend is reading a bathroom shower design magazine and has asked me to research some shower designs that I like myself. She then asked me to write a rationale as to why I liked each design and asked me to put some genuine effort into it. So, that’s what I did and I’m exhausted now.

On top of all the work my friend got me to do today, I have a quota that I need to meet for myself. Every week I need to write at least three blog posts on my personal blog to remain relevant. I am trying to build a following (as you would all know) and to be able to do that, I need to give my followers regular content to keep them engaged. But I’m really tired today and because my mind is full of bathrooms and the most popular bathroom renovations in Melbourne, that’s all I have the brain power to write about. So, I hope you guys find this engaging in the slightest!

To be honest, even I’m sick of this blog post. It’s not going anywhere and despite all the research and writing I was doing before, I don’t actually have any interesting information to pass on. In fact, all I’m getting when I try and think about what to write is images of bathrooms, taps, shower heads and tiles. I’m not getting any coherent sentences flashing through my mind. I’m done.

Some Solar Sums

‘Minus the six,’ I muttered to myself, tongue sticking out of my mouth as I concentrated on the notepad in front of me.

‘You forgot to carry that one.’

I yelped like an actual baby and almost fell out of my office chair. I looked up to see the new girl, Elaine, standing over my shoulder.

‘What the hell?!’

‘Sorry, sorry!’ she laughed, taking a step back and putting a hand over her mouth to show her remorse. ‘I thought you knew I was there!’

‘I was… concentrating,’ I huffed, adjusting my tie and looking around for the pencil I’d accidentally thrown across the cubicle. ‘Can I help you with something?’

‘Oh, I just need you to sign these for the boss,’ she said, brandishing a small stack of papers. ‘What were you doing?’

None of your business, I seethed internally. Reflecting on many, many hours of therapy, I kept it inside instead.

‘Solar power,’ I grunted. ‘My wife is trying to see if we can afford solar power.’

‘Oh, cool,’ Elaine beamed at me. ‘Why the long division though?’

‘Because I’m figuring out how much it costs, alright?’ I glared at her, hoping she’d get the message before I had to say something mean.

‘No, I just meant – why are you doing it by hand?’

She rushed over to me, and pulled up a website on my computer.

‘Ta-da!’ she grinned. ‘Use this. It’s a solar panel output calculator for residences.’

‘So?’

‘So, plug in your details,’ she gestured. ‘It’ll tell you how much you’re gonna save!’

My frown must have deepened, as she slipped into a slightly paler complexion.

‘Or do it later,’ she grinned meekly. ‘Whatever suits.’

She went to run away, but I counted down from five and let out a deep sigh.

‘Wait!’

She paused in the hallway.

‘Do you know anything about what it costs to install solar battery storage around Melbourne?’ I asked her. She shook her head.

I let out another sigh and held out my hand for her papers.

‘Pass me a pencil?’

Christmas Decorations

It’s the festive season and I want to celebrate! Every year I like to decorate my house in some sort of unique way. I love Christmas decorations, obviously, but I like to go that one step further and decorate my house even more. Every year I choose a different way to decorate my house. Last year, I covered all my furniture in decorative fabric. This year, I’m going to install flower wallpaper in every room of my house. Every room will have a feature wall and it is going to be the much-needed wow-factor my house needs this festive season!

You know how people drive by people’s houses looking at Christmas decorations in the weeks leading up to Christmas? That’s what people do with my house, but I invite them inside because that’s where all the magic happens. Everyone knows that my house is the place to go if you want to see something extraordinary, and spoiler alert: people love seeing things that are out of the ordinary!

The kind of decorating that I do is what people wish they could do, but they’re not ballsy enough to do so. I feel bad for them. They should at least give themselves what they want at Christmas time. Like, why not install decorative ocean wallpaper? Melbourne is right near the beach so it makes sense to bring the beach to us! But people are too stuck in their cookie-cutter designer ways. As much as they’d like to decorate their houses in a way that actually makes them happy, they can’t bring themselves to do it. That’s why they spend every day during the festive season checking out my designs. They’re living through me!

As much as I pity these people, I’m glad that I can make them happy by opening up my house to them. I want them to enjoy their Christmas break and if I can help them do that by showing them what their houses could look like if they were game enough, then I’m glad to.