Heating

Day 30 Without Heating

Well, it has been a month since we had our heater uninstalled, and we are now well and truly in the depths of winter. I’m ashamed to admit it, but my family finally made me cave in. We are burning through all the wood in our house like party pies at a kid’s party. I’ve lost control, and the girls now dance around the lounge room chanting about how good it is to have heat again. We will be out of material to burn in days, and then what? We still have more than half of winter to get through. If only our landlord had allowed us to get central heating installed. By now, we probably would have used it so much that we’d need a central heating service. Melbourne is experiencing its coldest winter ever, and we’re going through it without so much as a portable heater. Burning materials in the wood heater will only last so long. My family has made a huge mistake, and I am powerless to stop them.

Day 34 Without Heating

Oh, how I wish that I could be paying for ducted heating repairs. Near Melbourne, I would be searching for someone to perform such repairs. But alas, we have no ducted heating system to repair. We have no true heating system at all. We are doomed.

Day 35 Without Heating

We burned the bed frame yesterday, which means we are officially out of firewood. The temperature outside has dropped to the lowest yet, and ice spreads across our house as quickly as fire. If only it was fire. I worry that we will not make it through the day. This is why I wanted to conserve our burning materials. What do we do now? We need something to put in the wood heater.

I’ve got it! Oh, I’m such a fool. We burned the bookshelves, but we never thought to burn the books! That will keep us going for a few more days, at least.

After that? I don’t want to think about it.

– From the diary of a very anxious tenant.

My wife and I have a pretty different marriage to most other married couples. The reason for this is entirely on her. She’s such an independent person that she never wants to spend any time with me, and that’s hurt our relationship quite a bit. She even turns up the heater to thirty degrees every single day. Thirty-degree gas heating in Sydney… literally no one else I know does that.

The thing is though, it seems like she’s completely happy in our relationship. I’ve told my friends about everything she’s been doing and they have said that they think it means she wants a divorce, but she has never said anything to make me think that. Every day she tells me she loves me and gives me a nice big hug before bed. So why doesn’t she want to spend any time with me? 

I used to try spending time with her but she would just keep turning the heater up higher and higher until it was impossible for me to even be in the same room as her. When I realised that spending time together was a thing of the past, I bought a TV for our other living room and that is how we’ve spent our days ever since. It makes me pretty sad but I love her too much to leave. 

Last month on one of the rare occasions that we spent more than ten minutes together, she told me that she wants to install ducted gas heating. Sydney is a hot place. There’s no way we need ducted heating. It kind of made me feel like maybe she actually does want a divorce. I asked her if she did and she thought I meant that I did, which isn’t the case. But I can’t live in a house where I feel like I’m going to faint every hour or so. Love is hard.

I’ve been thinking about posting this for a while now, and I think I’ll finally do it. You see, in my spare time I’ve been writing a novel based on my real-life experience working as an air conditioning service technician. In this post, I’m going to include my query letter to literary agents, and I’d love to know what my loyal readers think. Alright, here it goes.

Jerry Sigman is a master of heating repairs. Canberra residents love him and his hard work, knowing him as the very best the Australian Capital Territory has to offer. His life is a happy one, without any issues, until the Cult of the Heater comes along. They want him to join their ranks, using heating systems to take over Australia, one house at a time. When Jerry refuses, the cult takes his favourite toolbox hostage. Jerry must then go on a quest to stop this nefarious cult from destroying his toolbox, while also stopping their evil plans. On the way, Jerry will fall in love and learn more about himself than he ever knew was possible. And of course, he’ll learn a thing or two about ducted heating services for Canberra homes, as well.

This novel is a true epic, with thirty-seven point of view characters over a hundred and fifty-two chapters. It could be compared to the works of Leon Toys and Steve McQueen, without the horror elements or the Russian settings. If this was to be turned into a film adaptation, I’d have someone named Chris who acted in the Marble Cinematic Universe play the lead role. I don’t mind which Chris it is. There’s a few who would be suitable.

If you’re interested in learning more about this novel, which has a word count of 50,000 words, feel free to get in touch with my people. While I have an extremely busy schedule, I should be able to make time to respond. Thanks for your time, and I look forward to working with you.

– Jack