Boats

I’m really struggling with this job, to be honest. It’s hard when you get randomly transported into the body of somebody who works in an entirely different field to you. I don’t know what I am doing here. Someone asked if I could “weld some fishing rod holders” to his boat, but I didn’t even know what that was. To use a fishing term, you could say I’m floundering.

I never actually heard back from the owner of this body, despite my plea online. So I figured I’d just try my best to get through a regular day in the life of Master of Welding, Tommy. It’s hard. Really hard. Tommy, I have an appreciation for the world of marine fabrication within Melbourne that I never would have gained without this experience, so take that as a silver lining, I guess.

How do people expect you to know the difference between a snapper rack and… the other thing? There’s just so much involved. For example, earlier today I was speaking to one of Tommy’s regular customers, Jimmy. Jimmy wanted to see how the welding of his bow rails had gone. I took him to what I assumed was his boat, but then he told me that it was not his boat, and those weren’t even bow rails. It was a bait board!

That was super awkward, so I pretended to have a fever and told Jimmy he would have to find the boat on his own. From there, I went back to the shop and frantically tried to find out what a bow rail even looks like. I still haven’t worked it out! 

Once again, Tommy, if you’re out there, please release me from this burden. This is literally my nightmare. So whatever black cat you crossed or genie you took advantage of, please fix the damage done so I can get back to my dog and my video games.

– Tommy (formerly known as Lucian)

I had a strange dream last night. In it, I was standing on the edge of a cliff, an endless ocean before me. Dark clouds hung overhead, lightning cracking like repeated blows that lit the sky in white. My chest swelled at the beauty, gut sunk at the sheer force of the storms. Then I saw a boat crashing through the waves, so powerful it was like a titan had thrown a tantrum in the heart of the sea. The boat continued to fight the waves, pushing forward inch by inch.

Suddenly a bolt of brilliant lightning struck the ship, which was torn asunder by the waves and the wind. Then I was floating over the wreckage, the storm settling. Holy light filtered down from the heavens, over several parts of the boat. Snapper racks. Fishing rod holder. The bow rail. Bait board. Somehow, I knew them to be of great importance. I could feel it in my heart, swelling at the sight.

“Unite them,” called a voice from above. “Unite the lost pieces of the Atlantis. Start with snapper racks. Around Melbourne, you will find them.”

“Why me?” I asked the mysterious voice, still floating over the destroyed boat. “What do you need from me, o mighty voice?”

“You will be my humble servant on this world. I have chosen you to collect the lost pieces of the Atlantis and restore balance to the seas. Serve me, the Heart of the Deep, and you shall be rewarded.”

“I am but a simple tradesman of marine fabrication, mighty one. Why me?”

The voice boomed back, ringing my ears and shaking my bones. Louder than thunder. Louder than something even louder than thunder. Like an earthquake or something. “You appreciate the significance of the sea. You know boats. I had to choose someone. Why not you?”

“Fair point, I suppose.”

I woke up then, drenched in so much sweat that I almost thought I’d drowned in the ocean from my dream. When I looked down, beside my bed, I saw a checklist. Snapper rack. Fishing rod holder. Bow rail. Bait board.

– Gillan Neptune

I kept telling them while they were threatening to lock me up in here: I’m innocent. It’s not even a case of everyone in here saying the same thing, because the inhabitants of this secure facility are out-and-proud evil. They know their actions were utterly immoral, every last one of them, and they can’t wait to get out so they can build freeze rays and the likes.

By the way, there’s a device that instantly gives people a bushy afro hairstyle if they get caught in the radius. I was tricked into being a test subject for the latest version and my hair ended up interfering with ceiling fans for weeks.

As I keep trying to explain, I was trying to make things easier for stainless steel fabrication companies in Melbourne. Repairing boats and underwater welding is quite a formidable task, and sometimes requires people to be underwater for extended periods. It’s also just a little clunky overall, with boats best kept in the water and making the marine welding process difficult for the larger ones. I just thought that maybe, to expedite the installation of bait boards and such, I’d construct some mechanical helpers. Bait board helpers.

Okay, they look a little bit scary, with their entire upper body looking like a metal octopus and their lower body, legs with sharp flippers. But that’s so they can carry tools, and swim around underwater! The glowing red eyes are for easy identification underwater, and at night. The tensile gripping force of the tentacles had to be immense; it’s not like stainless steel marine fabricators can get away with just using light materials. And yes, while almost two-hundred prototypes all creepily lined up in a warehouse is excessive, I’m pioneering a new technology here. 

Oh, and that one that attacked the soldiers when they bust in was faulty. I even labelled it, ‘faulty’. I was gonna take it apart the next day.

Look, long story short, I wasn’t building an evil robot octopus army. I’m a friend of all marine fabricators, snapper rack fellows and fishing rod holder installers, everywhere. So you don’t need to put me to work on an invention that’ll help marine fabrication experts do their jobs; I already made one!!

-Dr S. Miles McSweet