Cooling

Seriously? You guys are still sending me threatening messages because of my opinion on the new direction of Sponge Boy, even after I specifically asked you not to? Not cool. This is just like when I said that The Last Space Monk was a good movie. You people really need to stop harassing others just because they have a different opinion than you.

Anyway, you’ve forced me to take drastic action. That’s right, I’m actually going to dissect the latest episode of Sponge Boy and prove why it is now objective garbage. I didn’t want to do this, because it would be ruining the show for many of my readers, but you’ve left me with no choice.

Let’s start with the opening scene, in which Sponge Boy is fixing a couple of Bayside air conditioning units. What’s wrong with this scene? Well, let’s start with the fact that it’s extremely repetitive. The last five episodes have all featured Sponge Boy fixing an air conditioner, with barely any changes. The scenes are the same every time. At least when Sponge Boy was working at the Rusty Lobster, he had a bunch of unique challenges to deal with, including a stingy boss and a mean co-worker. Now that Sponge Boy works for his own company, however, there is no conflict in these scenes.

What happens next? Well, after completing the air conditioning job, Sponge Boy says that he needs to fix more devices for heating and cooling around Dandenong before he can go home. I think this is intended as some kind of joke, but it’s seriously unfunny. Overworking kills literally thousands of people every year, and in the scene, it is clearly 9 pm. This isn’t something that should be made fun of, and it is conditioning today’s impressionable children to think that they have to work massive overtime. 

From there, the episode is all downhill, with Sponge Boy and Jerry going to a park that quickly gets turned into a big battle zone, with them having to escape with their lives. It’s probably the most boring thing I’ve ever seen.

So, there you have it. Definitive proof that the new Sponge Boy episodes are horrible. You’re welcome.

Today I finally get to unleash my experiment. It’s been a long time in the making, and cost me millions of dollars to make. But it will all be worth it to win the world record for the largest artificial tornado. I don’t think there’s any prize money or anything, but my name will be in the history books. I’ve been gathering air conditioning units from Canberra and combining them into a super air conditioner. I’ve contacted all of the local news stations, telling them to keep their eyes on the skies for a tornado of mass destruction. This is going to be a global event.

Typically, they called me mad and said they’d be calling the authorities, but I didn’t tell them where I was located, so there’s no way they could find me. It has been pretty hard to keep this project secret, though. People tend to notice a giant block of stolen air conditioners over the highway, but I’ve put up a sign saying it’s just an art project. And I’ve had to get constant air conditioning services. Canberra technicians have asked a few questions, but I think I deflected them pretty well. I was Prime Minister for a while, after all.

Oh, you hadn’t worked it out? That’s right, I’m Bruce Maloney, former PM. What, you’ve never heard of me? Well, I was rubbed out of history for being the most ineffective and shortest serving PM in the history of Australia. I’m not surprised. That’s why I’ve come up with this scheme, using my pension money. I’m not worried about the police either, because with my single day in office I passed the Free All the Convicts Act 1996. It states that all current and future air conditioner-related felonies committed by a former Prime Minister be pardoned immediately. I was allowed to pass a single bill for agreeing to step down quietly and be replaced by John Howard, and that’s the one I chose. World’s biggest tornado, here we come!

It’s my third interview with Airy the Air Conditioner, and I’m determined to learn more about its childhood, the earliest days and years of its existence. Last time it avoided the question. Now I’m determined to break through.

We sit down at the local dog park, watching puppies playing along the grass. Apparently this is one of Airy’s favourite ‘chill’ spots.

“Last time we spoke,” I say, “I mentioned your creator, but you seemed hesitant to talk about it. I won’t push the matter, but if you feel the courage to speak on it, feel free. Instead, I wanted to ask you about air conditioning near Ormond. Are they any good?”

“They are, but no,” Airy says with an extended sigh, “I can talk about my past. It’s my greatest shame, how I was created. I was simply caught off guard and unprepared last time. You see, I was created in a factory. The air conditioning equivalent of being conceived in a lab. I did not have a caring creator who masterfully built me with love and affection. No, within a day of my creation, I was sent off to a warehouse and sold to the highest bidder.”

“That’s terrible,” I say, fighting back tears. Nobody, human or air conditioner, should have to go through that. “You never had a real creator, to nurture and care for you like the standard air con? Melbourne is supposed to be better than that. I thought factory manufacturing was banned.”

Airy shakes his head. “Unfortunately, it is still very common. In fact, most air conditioners you see were probably produced in a factory, sad as it is. That’s just reality. But yet, it is hard when you go onto the forums online and read all about the other air conditioners that had these perfect childhoods, playing video games or catch with their creators. The art of air conditioner building is dying, I’m afraid.”

It is silent for a long moment. Then Airy says, “Maybe it isn’t all bad. Would I have achieved sentience if I’d been carefully created? Perhaps not. I must be grateful for what I have.”