Offices

Nobody believed me when I said that I would be exterminating Space Wizard on the first day of the competition, so naturally, it was the first thing I did upon arriving in Sweden, Victoria. There are few things that can bring joy when you’ve spent the last few thousand years dwelling in an undead state. Still, the faces of the other contestants, the producers and production crew made me smile wider than I ever had before. My jaw even fell off and that’s not a joke.

That’s why ‘power, word, liquify’ is my favourite spell. It just leaves people completely shocked. Sorry Space Wizard, but you can’t compete when you’re just a puddle. The producers said that everything was on the cards. It’s just a shame that the cameras weren’t rolling at the time. Oh well, I guess this season of Next Top Office is having five contestants.

I’ve got a few other tricks up my sleeve to ensure I win, one of which is doing the best glass frosting installation Melbourne has ever seen. I assume that the other contestants will be doing window tinting instead. Not me. Glass frosting is much more elegant. And the best part is that I can create it with a few magical words and a wave of my Staff of the One Who Is Not Remembered. I’m going to win this competition easily. Then I’ll teleport around the cosmos to collect a tonne of gold coins, bringing them back to Earth and having them melted down into a giant trophy that I’ll show off on top of Big Ben.

The others will probably be hiring commercial window tinting businesses. Melbourne has some good ones, but I can save time by using magic, which isn’t against the rules. Honestly, this whole competition is a little unfair, but I don’t care since I’m the one profiting off it. Well, technically I’m not profiting at all since this is for a sick girl named Charity or something. But by the end of Australia’s Next Top Office season two, everyone will know my name, and that’s all I’ve ever really wanted.

– Archerak

What the flip is going on with these new… perching pods? Cyber seats? Ergonomic eggs? I really don’t know what to call them. They might technically count as desk chairs, but they’re stretching the definition of that by a pretty wide margin, if that makes sense. They’re definitely designed as a place to sit while at your desk, but the comparisons to a regular desk chair stop there. 

How out of the ordinary can a chair really be, I hear you ask? A fair question, but one that would only be asked by someone who had never laid eyes on these alien furnishings. From what I can gather, they’re designed to fulfil a suite of purposes, which are ergonomic, acoustic and interactive. The first one is pretty standard, but who knew about the other two? Apparently, this is all part of contemporary commercial design for offices. Melbourne isn’t a city to miss out on a design trend, so, uh… here we are. 

The closer I look at these things, the more I can see that they’re meant to be modular, which hoods that clip on and off to create a sound barrier and privacy screen around the sides and top of the chair. Looking at the instructions, it seems these hoods can also be folded around and clipped over two or more adjacent chairs to create a sort of circular group pod, or ‘hive’. This looks a bit freaky because once the hoods are clipped in, everyone’s stuck inside the hive, but I assume there’s any easy way out. These things are designed to high heaven, so that must have been considered.

In any case, I think these new furnishings are part of a systematic overhaul of the whole office interior fitout. Melbourne is the longest-standing location of the company, so it’s probably due for an update to get it in line with the Sydney and Brisbane outposts. Why someone thought it was a good idea to start with the desk chairs is anyone’s guess, but I suppose I’m not complaining.

My dream is finally coming alive. I’ve just rented the space for an office building. This will be the base for my salesmen, as my worldwide empire expands. But I suppose we have to start small for now. Although, I suppose it’s been a while since I’ve written an update. You’re probably quite confused.

You may have seen it in the newspapers or news television programs, but I recently won table of the year at the World Carpentry Convention. That was just the beginning. With the right marketing and sales departments, I’ll have one of these tables in every house on the planet. We’ve got the award to back it, and by the time I’m done, I’ll have more money than William Doors and a name to rival McDolans.

First, however, I need to sort out this office space. Before I go to an office design business in Melbourne, I want to have an initial concept at least. I want it to be modern, but classy. We need to show that we’re not just your average woodworking company. We’re your super woodworking company. I’m revolutionising the industry. Have you ever had a salesperson call you and try to sell a table? I thought not. Well, prepare yourself, because we’re coming. As soon as I make sure we have one of the best office fitouts Melbourne has to boast.

We will conquer the state, then the country. Eventually the world. Every other table company will be put out of business because there will be no need for them. We will have a complete monopoly on the market, simply by having, unquestionably, the best table ever created. I don’t care how big your dining room is, or if you want to use the table for a role-playing game of ‘Goblins and Grottos’. Our table will be the perfect fit. That is a personal guarantee. If you’re dissatisfied with my table design, I will personally pay you for your trouble. That’s how confident I am in this product. Because in order to get the money from me, you will have to give the table up. And you would never want to do that.