Husband’s Bathtub Remodel

Bathtub Remodel / By

Looking after my Kenny since he got his heart surgery has been really hard. He had to get the heart surgery to give him another ten or so years of life, but I think it may have actually taken years off his life. 

One of the terrible potential side effects of heart surgery is that it can cause the heart to pump too much blood around the body and cause a stroke. Well, about one month after his surgery he did have a stroke. I don’t know how I didn’t notice it straight away. Slowly after the stroke, he started getting angrier and angrier at me. Ken has always been the nicest, most quiet person I’ve ever met. He wouldn’t hurt a fly, so when he raised his voice at me in frustration after not remembering the name of our favourite television show, I knew something was wrong. 

Maybe if I had noticed the signs sooner then he would have gotten better quicker. He’s been in hospital since he raised his voice at me. I called an ambulance because I didn’t know what to do and he’s been there ever since whilst he rehabilitates from his stroke. I’ve never lived alone before. I miss him. I find myself just staring at his bathtub cut out. For elderly people in the Sydney area with mobility problems like Ken, it’s a good idea to get rid of all types of trip hazards. I did exactly that after his heart surgery. I even added lots of rails throughout the house for him. And now he’s not even here. At the time, the bathtub remodel cost was high. But now I’d pay anything just to have him back with me.

I don’t know what I would do if he didn’t come back from the hospital. He is the love of my life and the person that I depend on more than anyone else. I always said if he died before me then I’d kill him… so hopefully that doesn’t happen.

Tattoos Gone By

Tattoos / By

Hey everyone,

Thanks for staying by my side these last couple of years. Although I haven’t made any blog posts since I got my first tattoo memorialising my brother all those years ago, I have been checking in on this account every few months ever since. I swear every time that I logged in over the past few years I would have a message from one of you guys asking how I am and telling me you’re thinking of me. It really helped and made me feel like there are people out there that I can turn to if I ever need them. It’s the small stuff like that which goes a long way.

I thought I would post an update for you all now and let you know how my last few years have been. I’ll admit, I’ve had my ups and downs. It was really hard losing my brother and it has been really hard to move on from. I don’t know if I really ever will.

What has helped is knowing that I have my brother’s favourite saying tattooed on my body forever. I take it with me everywhere I go (obviously) and I feel like I’m living by that phrase now and that he’s guiding me throughout my life. I’m so grateful to the realism tattoo artist in the Brisbane CBD that I visited all those years ago. She gave me something that no one else will ever be able to give me, and I wish I hadn’t moved away so that I could go back and thank her for everything. She knew at the time how important it was that the tattoo was a perfect representation of my brother, but she didn’t know how important the tattoo would be in my recovery. I am eternally grateful for her work. 

If any of my readers are grieving, I recommend talking to a tribal tattooist or whichever style you like best and getting a memory of your loved one imprinted on your body. I can safely say that it really helps. 

Mechanic Needed

Cars / By

I saw the most bizarre thing last night… I think. I looked out my window at about 3:00 am when I woke up to go to the bathroom and there was a man putting something on the windscreen of my car. I’m a woman who lives alone and so I wasn’t going to go out there and confront him, but I was definitely concerned about what I was going to find when I came outside in the morning.

Except when I came outside just a few minutes ago there was nothing on my car. I could have sworn that I saw someone put something on there. Am I going crazy? I definitely dreamt about it after I saw the man in the front of my car. I dreamt that my car needed general servicing which is bizarre because I haven’t had my car serviced in like five years. I don’t even think about getting it serviced – it runs just fine. But my dreams after I went back to sleep were filled with mechanics, tools and obscure car parts. It was weird.

I wonder if it was just my mind playing tricks on me. Was it my subconscious telling me after all these years that I need a car service? If so I should probably take it seriously, but that is a really creepy way for my mind to express itself. I hope I don’t start imagining random men each time my mind tells me that I need to do something. I mean, how hard is it for my mind just to have the random thought and tell me that I need to visit a mechanic near Morayfield instead of imagining a man standing next to my car and then having weird dreams about my car for the rest of the night?

I wish my brain could just be normal, but also I guess it’s good that a strange man wasn’t standing by my car at 3:00 am.

Desperate for Warmth

Heating / By

Day 30 Without Heating

Well, it has been a month since we had our heater uninstalled, and we are now well and truly in the depths of winter. I’m ashamed to admit it, but my family finally made me cave in. We are burning through all the wood in our house like party pies at a kid’s party. I’ve lost control, and the girls now dance around the lounge room chanting about how good it is to have heat again. We will be out of material to burn in days, and then what? We still have more than half of winter to get through. If only our landlord had allowed us to get central heating installed. By now, we probably would have used it so much that we’d need a central heating service. Melbourne is experiencing its coldest winter ever, and we’re going through it without so much as a portable heater. Burning materials in the wood heater will only last so long. My family has made a huge mistake, and I am powerless to stop them.

Day 34 Without Heating

Oh, how I wish that I could be paying for ducted heating repairs. Near Melbourne, I would be searching for someone to perform such repairs. But alas, we have no ducted heating system to repair. We have no true heating system at all. We are doomed.

Day 35 Without Heating

We burned the bed frame yesterday, which means we are officially out of firewood. The temperature outside has dropped to the lowest yet, and ice spreads across our house as quickly as fire. If only it was fire. I worry that we will not make it through the day. This is why I wanted to conserve our burning materials. What do we do now? We need something to put in the wood heater.

I’ve got it! Oh, I’m such a fool. We burned the bookshelves, but we never thought to burn the books! That will keep us going for a few more days, at least.

After that? I don’t want to think about it.

– From the diary of a very anxious tenant.

Building Competition Winner

Building / By

Welcome back to our blog, where we will now reveal the final results of the best competition to ever hit the Australian internet: My Building Rules. Who has won, in our first season? Let’s find out! Will it be George, the famous builder from the Mornington Peninsula? Will it be Wesley, or will it be Jack? I’m your host Frank Burgers, and with me is Thomas Fries. Who do you think the judges have voted for, Tom?

Well, it was a brilliant idea for Jack Lancaster to build his house out of straw, given how easy the material is to work with. Personally, I would have voted for him. What do you think, Frank?

I would agree with you, Tom, but unfortunately, I’ve heard a rumour that a certain big bad wolf actually came around and blew down the house of straw. Although Wesley made the rookie mistake of building a house out of bricks, given the small-time limit, I think he’s going to steal this one. Mind you, residential home developers everywhere would be appalled by the state of this brick house.

It’s one of the worst I’ve ever seen, Frank. Of course, George Darling should have won this competition easily, but his house made out of sticks had a bit of a disaster when George decided to practice lighting a birthday cake inside it. George may own one of the best construction companies around the Mornington Peninsula, but he doesn’t realise that sticks and fire equals a bad time. I think the victory is going to go to the inexperienced Wesley, despite his terrible brick house.

How about we open up the envelope and find out, Tom? Let’s see here. Who is the winner of today’s contest?

I can’t believe it. The winner is the local colony of ants, who the judges were so impressed with that they had to choose them. Their house fits thousands of living creatures inside it and takes up only a tiny amount of space. A clear winner if there ever was one!

Congratulations to the ant colony. A well deserved victory, out of nowhere. We hope you enjoyed this competition, and we’ll see you next time!

We are Frank and Tom, signing off.

Another Anti-Driver

Cars / By

Hi Michael!

I feel the exact same way as you do about driving, but I’ve never told anyone. I think driving is a waste of money, and obviously bad for the planet, but money is my biggest factor. There are just too many expenses associated with driving that I can’t afford. I mean, I can barely afford rent, let alone a yearly car service, petrol, registration or insurance. I try to avoid driving as much as I can and I even spoke with my friends about selling my car because I needed the cash, and they looked at me as if I was some sort of outcast. Even mentioning my dislike for driving very briefly made me feel like a social outcast. How do you do it? Don’t you feel like you’re being judged every time you take to the footpath instead of the road?  

I’m being honest with you because I can’t really be honest with anyone else at the moment, but if I need one more brake repair or even the tiniest bit of car maintenance, I’m going to get rid of my car. I can’t afford it and it really isn’t worth me fixing a car that I don’t even want to have. I’m going to need your help learning to deal with the social stigma though. I’ve always cared about what people thought of me and knowing that I’m going to purposely put myself in a position where I look bad gives me a bit of anxiety. But, it doesn’t give me as much anxiety as not being able to pay my rent so I guess I know what I need to do.

I wonder if I can give my car to a mechanic in the Raceview area when it needs its next service. Maybe I could sell it to them for second-hand parts or something. Do mechanics do things like that? I’m not sure. What did you do with your car when you decided to give up driving?

Keen to hear from you soon mate.

– Jarrod

Best Local Mechanic

Cars / By

Living in Ringwood has a lot of perks – but none are better than the awesome mechanic we have in our very own backyard. People drive hours to get a car service from our local mechanic and I’m lucky enough to be able to walk there if I want to. Seriously, if you ask anyone in Melbourne who the best mechanic is in the metropolitan area, everyone will say Ringwood Automotive Services. This mechanic is the reason I never moved, even though I had the option to move closer to the city and the beach. Leaving Ringwood would just be dumb when property prices are going up every day because of how good the local mechanic is. I wouldn’t sell my house even for a million dollars. 

Part of the reason this mechanic is so good is that he really takes the time to look after your car. And by looking after, I mean really look after. He’ll spend one on one time with your car and not let anyone else’s car even be in the workshop. The fact that it’s so exclusive has people from all over the state booking appointments, which is a testament to him and Ringwood in general. I am so proud that the best mechanic in metro Melbourne is a mechanic close to Ringwood. I’m lucky to live near such a highly-regarded and esteemed mechanic. 

I look forward to the next thirty years of our local mechanic’s sustained success. He’s currently in his forties, but he’s promised he’ll work well into his seventies to keep the people of Melbourne happy. That makes me happier than I’ll ever be able to tell anyone. Knowing that he’ll always be there to look after my car is a blessing that I’ll never take for granted. I am going to book my car in for its next three services now because you’ve got to get in early. He’s already booked out for the rest of the year.

Necessary Aircon Regas

Cars / By

I don’t know if anyone else relates to this but how nice is it when you’re driving and then the sun comes perfectly through the windshield. I’m talking about when the sun comes through at a height where it doesn’t get into your eyes, but is still high enough to warm your entire body so that you don’t have to put the car heater on even though it’s the middle of winter. It’s one of my favourite sensations in the world and it makes me feel like I’m wrapped in a blanket ready for bed. 

This was potentially why I got myself into a minor car crash last week. I was comfortable and warm for a solid thirty minutes which made me sleepy. The next thing I knew, I rolled too far forward whilst waiting for the traffic lights to turn green, and I hit the car in front of me. I got out of the warm car straight away, and felt the cold hit me like a truck. I was shaking from the shock of hitting another car and from being ripped out of my warm blanket heaven.

I was shaking even harder when I realised I would have to pay to get an auto repair in Adelaide for BOTH our cars. I’m not made of money by any stretch of the imagination, and I’m dreading the phone call from the other person’s insurance company. I honestly feel betrayed by the sun and the warmth. It was my favourite thing in the world and now it is well and truly ruined. I’m not going to be able to just bask in the warmth of the sun anymore, in case it makes me too tired again.

I’m going to have to get a car air con regas so that I can pump my air conditioner any time that I get too comfortable. I can’t even describe how disappointed that makes me. I’m going to miss feeling the warmth on my body.

Book Marketing Video

Video Production / By

I can’t believe that the first book in my Giggle McWiggle series is finally going to get published. I’ve been waiting years for this moment, and now that it’s here I don’t really know what to do with myself. I always thought I’d be buying an expensive car and a mansion with the advance from my publisher, but it turns out that you’re expected to put all that money back into the marketing of your book.

Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve been searching for the best marketing tactics, wondering how I should invest this money. Do I pay for social media ads? Do I get big banners across my local city? Do I pay for early copies of the book and send them for free to reviewers? Well, no. I’ve actually found the perfect thing to spend all my money on: marketing video production. That’s right, I’m going to take my ten thousand dollar advance and give it all to a marketing company that can make me an awesome video about my book. I’m thinking that it could be a scene from my book, acted out and filmed. I’ll then upload it to the internet and wait for it to go viral.

Does anybody know of a video production company around Melbourne that offers such a service? As I have said, I have ten thousand dollars to play with, so money’s no object. I’m assuming I’d be able to cover the production costs with that. We should be able to produce a high-quality video that adequately advertises my novel, right?

I can just imagine it now: Giggle McWiggle and Garthablog the Twenty-Seventh fighting in the climax of the novel, capturing audiences so that my novel becomes an instant bestseller when it releases in two years. I never thought the world of novel marketing would be so exciting. How much more exciting will it be when my book is actually published and available to buy? I think I’ll burst with excitement when that happens.

Boiling Gas Heating

Heating / By

My wife and I have a pretty different marriage to most other married couples. The reason for this is entirely on her. She’s such an independent person that she never wants to spend any time with me, and that’s hurt our relationship quite a bit. She even turns up the heater to thirty degrees every single day. Thirty-degree gas heating in Sydney… literally no one else I know does that.

The thing is though, it seems like she’s completely happy in our relationship. I’ve told my friends about everything she’s been doing and they have said that they think it means she wants a divorce, but she has never said anything to make me think that. Every day she tells me she loves me and gives me a nice big hug before bed. So why doesn’t she want to spend any time with me? 

I used to try spending time with her but she would just keep turning the heater up higher and higher until it was impossible for me to even be in the same room as her. When I realised that spending time together was a thing of the past, I bought a TV for our other living room and that is how we’ve spent our days ever since. It makes me pretty sad but I love her too much to leave. 

Last month on one of the rare occasions that we spent more than ten minutes together, she told me that she wants to install ducted gas heating. Sydney is a hot place. There’s no way we need ducted heating. It kind of made me feel like maybe she actually does want a divorce. I asked her if she did and she thought I meant that I did, which isn’t the case. But I can’t live in a house where I feel like I’m going to faint every hour or so. Love is hard.