Fake Knight

Careers / By

I think it might be time for a career change. Have you ever heard of those medieval re-enactment banquets? Basically hundreds of people sit around a big arena and get brought tankards full of ale and roast chickens to feast on, while a medieval show is put on before their very eyes. They can pretend to be kings and queens while all of the poor actors get put in hot and heavy suits of armour and proceed to get bashed for entertainment purposes.

Yeah, well, I’m one of those poor actors. That’s why I’m thinking about some career change advice. ‘Melbourne actor’ doesn’t tend to generate a lot of interest online though, so I’m stuck here for now. It would be a great job if I got to be one of the big main knights, but I am always given the role of an unnamed knight who dies in painful and horrible ways. It’s not fun. Sometimes I get roasted by a dragon, impaled with a lance during the jousting tourney or beheaded in battle. And those have just been this week! 

Apparently one of the lead actors is thinking about moving on, though, so there’s a spot up for grabs. If I can get the promotion, I’ll have the crowd cheering for me every night instead of being dragged off the arena and waiting for my next gruesome death. If I don’t get the job, then I think I will need to find a good career consultant near Melbourne. I’m willing to do anything as long as it doesn’t involve pretending to die.

Honestly, I’ve always wanted to get into stage production. Whether that’s through acting or anything else, I don’t really mind. One day I’d love to work on Broadway. It’s a big goal, I know, but I think it’s important to set your sights on something like that, as opposed to, oh I don’t know, not being eaten by a fake dragon.

Archerak’s Office Machinations

Offices / By

Nobody believed me when I said that I would be exterminating Space Wizard on the first day of the competition, so naturally, it was the first thing I did upon arriving in Sweden, Victoria. There are few things that can bring joy when you’ve spent the last few thousand years dwelling in an undead state. Still, the faces of the other contestants, the producers and production crew made me smile wider than I ever had before. My jaw even fell off and that’s not a joke.

That’s why ‘power, word, liquify’ is my favourite spell. It just leaves people completely shocked. Sorry Space Wizard, but you can’t compete when you’re just a puddle. The producers said that everything was on the cards. It’s just a shame that the cameras weren’t rolling at the time. Oh well, I guess this season of Next Top Office is having five contestants.

I’ve got a few other tricks up my sleeve to ensure I win, one of which is doing the best glass frosting installation Melbourne has ever seen. I assume that the other contestants will be doing window tinting instead. Not me. Glass frosting is much more elegant. And the best part is that I can create it with a few magical words and a wave of my Staff of the One Who Is Not Remembered. I’m going to win this competition easily. Then I’ll teleport around the cosmos to collect a tonne of gold coins, bringing them back to Earth and having them melted down into a giant trophy that I’ll show off on top of Big Ben.

The others will probably be hiring commercial window tinting businesses. Melbourne has some good ones, but I can save time by using magic, which isn’t against the rules. Honestly, this whole competition is a little unfair, but I don’t care since I’m the one profiting off it. Well, technically I’m not profiting at all since this is for a sick girl named Charity or something. But by the end of Australia’s Next Top Office season two, everyone will know my name, and that’s all I’ve ever really wanted.

– Archerak

Pure Imagination

Energy / By

I’ve always wondered what it would be like to run a factory. That might sound strange, especially coming from someone with zero experience in large-scale production or logistical management. But then, maybe it’s precisely that lack of experience that makes me curious. I guess there’s some kind of power in rolling out batches upon batches of identical items, and watching these flawless doppelgangers tumble into a box or a bin or the back of a truck. That’s how I imagine it goes down in factory-land, anyway.

Maybe the appeal is amplified by seeing more examples of large-scale commercial solar across Melbourne. This means that running a factory is not necessarily a dark cesspit where energy resources go to die. Not to say that big manufacturing companies aren’t extremely energy intensive, but it’s now at least possible to run them on renewables… and what if, like, they create a product that assists in improving the world’s resource efficiency, such as ultra-strong and lightweight solar panels?

That’s the kind of factory I’d be curious to try running for a day – namely, an idealised one that wouldn’t bring up feelings of shame around contributing pure junk to the world. It would gleam with inspired efficiency and economy of design, a state-of-the-art 100kW system poised atop its roof, which is also designed for passive cooling. A fleet of electric trucks are parked in front, charging from additional solar systems tailored to the purpose. Native pollinators encircle the building’s grounds, joined in uplifting song.

I’m starting to understand what interests me about the notion of running a factory. It’s the principles of design and efficiency involved, and integrated at numerous levels across the whole operation – from infrastructure and equipment to power and systems. Where else do so many factors come together in such an interconnected way, united in an overarching scheme to minimise waste and maximise productivity? And who’s to say that such a matrix of elements couldn’t amount to something that is, on some level, beautiful?

Biggest Tornado

Cooling / By

Today I finally get to unleash my experiment. It’s been a long time in the making, and cost me millions of dollars to make. But it will all be worth it to win the world record for the largest artificial tornado. I don’t think there’s any prize money or anything, but my name will be in the history books. I’ve been gathering air conditioning units from Canberra and combining them into a super air conditioner. I’ve contacted all of the local news stations, telling them to keep their eyes on the skies for a tornado of mass destruction. This is going to be a global event.

Typically, they called me mad and said they’d be calling the authorities, but I didn’t tell them where I was located, so there’s no way they could find me. It has been pretty hard to keep this project secret, though. People tend to notice a giant block of stolen air conditioners over the highway, but I’ve put up a sign saying it’s just an art project. And I’ve had to get constant air conditioning services. Canberra technicians have asked a few questions, but I think I deflected them pretty well. I was Prime Minister for a while, after all.

Oh, you hadn’t worked it out? That’s right, I’m Bruce Maloney, former PM. What, you’ve never heard of me? Well, I was rubbed out of history for being the most ineffective and shortest serving PM in the history of Australia. I’m not surprised. That’s why I’ve come up with this scheme, using my pension money. I’m not worried about the police either, because with my single day in office I passed the Free All the Convicts Act 1996. It states that all current and future air conditioner-related felonies committed by a former Prime Minister be pardoned immediately. I was allowed to pass a single bill for agreeing to step down quietly and be replaced by John Howard, and that’s the one I chose. World’s biggest tornado, here we come!

Fastidious Breakfaster?

Food / By

Breakfast: what’s your take on it? I’m genuinely interested, as the subject tends to be quite divisive. Some people are passionate fans of it, revelling in everything from the full cafe spread to paleo power bowls, while others disdain it beyond the obligatory black coffee. Still others are committed to their morning shot of apple cider vinegar with a handful of walnuts, and others extol the virtues of humble toast and marmalade.

There are all kinds of health claims to be made about having a regular eating plan around breakfast, and just as many around the value of intermittent fasting at that time of day. There’s ketogenic muesli on the market alongside cocoa puffs and sugar-coated toaster tarts. How does one even begin to navigate the complex sea of options laid out on today’s breakfast table?

Personally, I’m a fan of having some kind of smoothie, followed throughout the morning by various healthy snacks. For weight loss, this might not be the way to go, but then I’m not an accredited dietician. I’m just a guy who likes having a handful of tamari-roasted cashews at 10am, and a piece of Jarlsberg for elevenses. On the whole, it’s a low carb approach, and it’s essentially free from refined sugar and added salt (if you ignore the tamari, that is).

I’ve never really thought twice about making my mornings low carb. Meal delivery services are popularising the idea now, but I was doing it before it was a thing. The fact is that I didn’t even identify this as the case until it was pointed out to me by a nutritionist friend who wanted to know if I was off the carbs. I’m definitely not, and enjoy eating my share of bread and pasta in the afternoon and evening, much to my friend’s dismay – she’s staunchly of the belief that it should be the other way around.

What are your thoughts?

Airy Hyperbarics

Health / By

Airy and I continued talking so that I could write its memoir, while we walked along the beach of Brighton. It’s been an odd experience, interviewing an air conditioner, but it’s certainly been an enlightening one. I’ve learned so much about air conditioning culture, more than I even knew there was to learn.

Today I thought I’d ask Airy about health. “How do you keep in good shape?” I asked, looking across the beach. “It’s well known that air conditioners usually get replaced if they start to deteriorate, so it must be pretty important.”

“It is,” Airy said, “you’re absolutely right. I try to get out and be active when I can, usually whenever the people of my household are also out. Physical activity is actually pretty easy. But we shouldn’t underestimate the importance of mental health, especially as an air conditioner. You live in constant fear of being replaced by a newer model, even if you do keep in good shape.”

“How do you deal with such stresses, then?” I asked.

Airy took a long, drawn-out breath of ocean-air. “Personally, I’ve been using Melbourne hyperbaric oxygen therapies for years now. I find it really helps to clear out my filters and leaves me with a clear mind. It’s a popular practice for a lot of air conditioners.”

“Anything else?”

“Well, I try to socialise with other air conditioners when I can. It’s important to talk to your own kind, especially when you live with humans. Ducted systems have it particularly hard since they’re generally the only air conditioner in the house.”

Airy and I continued to walk along the beach, talking about all sorts of air conditioning-related things. Did you know that most air conditioners really enjoy watching sports? Airy is a big fan of American ice hockey and its favourite team is the Wyoming Coolers.

That’s all I have time to post today, but suffice it to say that Airy’s memoir is going really well!

Precision Glass

Glass / By

My dream house is almost complete. It’s been a long process, but we’re almost ready to move in. Can you believe how far we’ve come in the last twelve months? It feels like just the other day that I was blogging about how we were looking for prime real estate on the hills. Then we found the perfect house for sale. Not perfect for living in, mind you. It was a real trashy house, but it was cheap given the land. So we knocked it down and got building our perfect home, with a great view of Melbourne.

All that’s left to do now is all the glass. We’ve been seeking the best glazier around Melbourne because we require precision and absolute perfection with our new home. I don’t want my kids to grow up here and wonder why the pool fencing isn’t quite right. That would be a genuine travesty. Imagine my embarrassment when our friends come over and ask why the skylight is darker than we told them it would be! The paparazzi will have a fun day if they notice that our glass balustrade isn’t exactly one metre and sixty-eight centimetres tall. No, no, no. It must all be exact.

My chosen glazier will be a master of their craft. They will be passionate about it, and a true artist. They will enjoy every moment working on my home, and they will swear not to talk about the project. It will be top secret, and they will respect that. I am willing to pay extremely well. Right now there are several glaziers outside, applying for the contract, but I don’t feel right about any of them. I’ll know my glazier when I see them. There will be an instant link between us. I just haven’t found it yet.

I thought I was close, once, but he turned out to actually be a window installer. He worked with glass, but he didn’t work with glass if you know what I mean. I hope you do, because when you know, you know. You know what I’m saying?

Glass Hotel

Glass / By

I have very vivid dreams, and last night’s dream was one of my all time favourites.

In my dream, I opened a hotel made entirely of glass. It was beautiful. It was by the beach in a coastal Victorian town, with beach views on one side and hillside views on the other. The whole hotel was essentially an observation deck for the beauty of the Australian landscape. People came from all over the world to spend a night in the hotel. No one could book for more than a night, because of the incredibly high demand for a night with a total 360 degree view. It became the eighth wonder of the world, even more renowned than the Taj Mahal in India. 

The dream was wild, it felt like the whole thing went for my entire eight hours sleep. I watched myself plan the design of the hotel, I watched it get built, I stood on the top of the 50 storey building and enjoyed the views from the observation deck, I did it all. There were miraculously no obstacles in the design process, and it made complete sense that the floor, walls and roof of every room was made from glass. Somehow the residents had completely private rooms that no one could see in, but they could all see out.

The pool was also completely glass, so it felt like you were swimming on top of nothing. It was incredible. I so clearly remember the glass balustrade. Melbourne residents in my dream admired the staircase for hours, a grand staircase that extended all the way from the ground floor to the fiftieth. I know that it doesn’t sound like it would be enjoyable in the slightest, but in my dream, it was spectacular. 

Also in my dream, there was absolutely no need for any sort of glass repair. The hotel was indestructible, and was guaranteed to stand tall forever. I’m not going to lie, I was disappointed when I woke up and realised that this was a dream. It would be the crowning jewel of Australia. Hopefully one day it’s possible to design. 

Freedom Health

Uncategorized / By

Apparently, moon-jumpers aren’t standard in this dimension. That’s a little disappointing, but given their general level of technology and the fact that they haven’t been entirely embroiled in war to fuel innovation for the last few decades, I’m still fairly satisfied. 

No moon-jumpers, though? Those are boots, by the way, not wool garments that you wear as a second layer (possibly while going to the moon). I only wore them a few times because the best tech goes to the military, but I got a bootleg pair once, and it was glorious. Was kinda hoping that the level of Melbourne podiatry services would be advanced enough that they could fit everyone with boots that let you defy gravity, but alas. They do really nice custom orthotics, though.

There’s not too much in the way of podiatry where I come from, obviously. You get an illness, even if it’s entirely foot related, and you go to see the district physician; that’s your only option. They issue you some cheap painkillers (if you’re lucky) and that’s that. Medicine was pretty hard to come by, especially in District Toorak where I’m from, since we were the most poverty-stricken place in the floating fortress of Melbourne.

Here, however…you just go and get custom orthotics. I also got some compression socks, just because I thought they sounded amazing. Seriously, have you people heard of these things?? They stop your legs from getting all tired and achy by pushing the blood back to where it should be. I passed on the good word to those wizards who sit at the back of the Human Classes, and they came in the next way with compression socks pulled up to their knees. I guess when you get to be 800 years old, you appreciate anything that gets the blood flowing.

Almost makes me wish I needed orthotics. Cheltenham was a nice place to visit, and the novelty of there being medical people just for feet still hasn’t worn off.

It’s a great idea in general, podiatry. Better than state-appointed doctors who couldn’t find a vein if you paid them in morphine tablets.

-Winston

Hive Time

Offices / By

What the flip is going on with these new… perching pods? Cyber seats? Ergonomic eggs? I really don’t know what to call them. They might technically count as desk chairs, but they’re stretching the definition of that by a pretty wide margin, if that makes sense. They’re definitely designed as a place to sit while at your desk, but the comparisons to a regular desk chair stop there. 

How out of the ordinary can a chair really be, I hear you ask? A fair question, but one that would only be asked by someone who had never laid eyes on these alien furnishings. From what I can gather, they’re designed to fulfil a suite of purposes, which are ergonomic, acoustic and interactive. The first one is pretty standard, but who knew about the other two? Apparently, this is all part of contemporary commercial design for offices. Melbourne isn’t a city to miss out on a design trend, so, uh… here we are. 

The closer I look at these things, the more I can see that they’re meant to be modular, which hoods that clip on and off to create a sound barrier and privacy screen around the sides and top of the chair. Looking at the instructions, it seems these hoods can also be folded around and clipped over two or more adjacent chairs to create a sort of circular group pod, or ‘hive’. This looks a bit freaky because once the hoods are clipped in, everyone’s stuck inside the hive, but I assume there’s any easy way out. These things are designed to high heaven, so that must have been considered.

In any case, I think these new furnishings are part of a systematic overhaul of the whole office interior fitout. Melbourne is the longest-standing location of the company, so it’s probably due for an update to get it in line with the Sydney and Brisbane outposts. Why someone thought it was a good idea to start with the desk chairs is anyone’s guess, but I suppose I’m not complaining.