Million Dollar Paper

Property / By

I just read an article outlining what a million dollars can buy you in today’s property market, and comparing this across Australia’s capital cities. Hobart, apparently, is still seeing soaring house prices, albeit from a low starting point, while Sydney offers its usual fare of inflated valuations with weekend auction mania only reinforcing that position. At the end of the day, it seems, you’ve just got to accept that property prices are always going to be on the up.

I mean, what do you expect when auctioneers are giving away 8-packs of toilet paper to the first bidder of the day? That’s a thing – seriously, look it up. It’s certainly one way to get the ball rolling, although I have to say that it’s a bit manipulative, what with how desperate people are for loo rolls at the moment. It might seem like a harmless, light-hearted move, but people can be persuaded into things they wouldn’t normally do when the pressure is on. 

Imagine this: you head over to an auction just for interest’s sake, and end up bidding on a whim in hopes of scoring some toilet paper for your family. Next thing you know, you’re sitting down with a conveyancing lawyer, trying to explain to yourself how you got here. It was just an innocent first bid to get things started (and secure yourself those coveted rolls), and not really meant as a serious offer. But with the toilet paper prize off the table, nobody else bothered to bid, and you won the auction.

So it is that you’ve found yourself at your local conveyancing office, Brighton property prices looming over you – really, a new apartment is the last thing you need right now. You’ve got bigger fish to fry, what with this months-long toilet paper shortage and all. And yet here you are, going through the Section 32 of your newly acquired property like a chump. Granted, you got it for a steal because you were the only bidder, but the reserve was high to begin with. 

Servicing Company Cars

Cars / By

I’ve just purchased three second hand cars to use as the company cars for my business. Myself and my employees often have to drive to different clients for pitches and meetings, which we were originally doing in our own cars. As we are all from different financial backgrounds, some of the cars weren’t quite up to the standard that we like to present ourselves to our clients. That’s not anyone’s fault, but appearances are very important in this business and so it was clear that something needed to be done. Once the accountants found enough money in the budget, they gave me the go-ahead to source some second hand vehicles to be used as company cars.

The cars have just been shipped to Australia, and it is now my responsibility to get each car a roadworthy certificate. Northcote is near where the cars are being delivered, so I have booked in the service for two weeks time. That time frame gives the cars enough time to arrive in Australia and allows some buffer time in case something goes wrong. I’m sure once I take the car to get its certificate, there will be other work that needs to be done to ensure the safety of my employees. 

I don’t know much about cars, especially older cars, but I’m going to assume that Australia has more stringent roadworthy guidelines than some other places do. Now, this is just an assumption, of course I could be wrong and the cars could be in perfect working order, but I doubt it. I’m guessing that the cars will need some sort of transmission service to ensure their safety. Seeing as I purchased the cars pretty cheap, I’m willing to spend a decent amount of money maximising their safety, as if anything went wrong the liability would fall on myself and the company. I definitely don’t want any lawsuits coming my way. 

Fast Lane

Aluminium / By

My dad’s always been one for schemes that strike others as bonkers, and it seems he’s still going strong with this in his 70s. This became clear to me today when he announced over lunch that he’s planning to enter a hot rod competition by grafting a rusty 1940s milk truck body onto a racing car… or something to that effect. I kind of tuned out after he told me he’d found the milk truck on Plumtree and it hadn’t cost him a cent. 

When he mentioned a while back that he was getting interested in modifying trucks, I imagined he was going to get himself a brand new 4×4. Aluminium canopies and safety-compliant gas bottle holders, it turns out, aren’t the order of the day, which is a tiny bit disappointing. I figured he’d be joining me on an off road expedition, rather than becoming some kind of hipster speed demon. Honesty, it makes me feel slightly uncool by comparison.

It’s okay. I guess I’ll just go to the aluminium fabricators by myself to get my new ute tool box made to order. Melbourne has changed my dad’s taste in activities, I tell you. Back in the day, he would have been totally keen to compare on-tray and under-body box models, but now he’s all about hitting up the wreckers’ yard with his ‘rat rod’ buddies. That’s what he calls this project: a rat rod. I looked it up and apparently it’s a thing – something to do with the early days of DIY car mods or something. 

Oh, well. Who am I to complain about my ageing dad having active hobbies and a lively social life? He could be spending his retirement sitting around the house watching Wheel of Fortune, and I doubt I’d be too happy about that – even if he did agree to come shopping for 4WD accessories with me.

Bloom or Bust

Garden / By

I think my housemate might be letting herself get carried away with her enthusiasm for adding new plants to the garden. It’s all well and good for her to be sprucing things up around here; my concern is just that she’s buying new plants at a faster rate than she can look after them. This is taking into account the fact that she only started up on this gardening bender a couple of months ago. In other words, she’s yet to prove her green thumb. 

I’ve always been the type who prefers to do one thing and do it well, ensuring it’s established before moving onto the next thing, so I find it jarring that she’s buying out the local nursery like her life depends on it. Not only that, but she’s buying things I’ve never heard of before, let alone seen in the flesh. For example, she came in yesterday with a whole bunch of grape hyacinth, which she says will sprout bright blue flowers in Spring. 

I know I sound like a real downer, but I’m just being realistic. Besides, it’s not like I’m against the whole gardening frenzy. I actually think the addition of the Mexican orange blossom at the front gate was an inspired move, such that I’m willing to contribute to its upkeep. But bundles of blue-blooming bulbs? Well, time will tell. 

Now, I realise that spring bulbs aren’t that expensive – something like $5-10 a pop, I’m guessing. But we’re talking about someone who begs out of buying toilet paper on a regular basis because she’s ‘waiting for pay to come in’. How does she have $50 to spend on hyacinth bulbs, for crying out loud? All I can say is the next round of dunny rolls is on her. Either that, or she turns out to have an incredible talent for raising bulbs and spreads joy throughout the land equivalent to chipping in for household expenses. 

Solar Entertainment System

Energy / By

Introducing the new Solar Entertainment System! The perfect gaming console for the entire galaxy. It doesn’t matter if you work in an office, a commercial warehouse or from the comfort of your own couch; the SES can go with you anywhere. It weighs less than light itself and runs practically at FTL speeds! Our gaming system has so much battery storage that you won’t ever even have to charge it. We’ve achieved this by using commercial battery storage. Melbourne, Boston and Manchester* residents beware though! This console is so awesome that it might destroy productivity in your entire city.

*This is in no way an exhaustive list of cities that may suffer from reduced productivity as a direct result of our gaming console.

What sort of games do we have? Well, I’m glad you asked! We have games such as Crazy Bandicoot Who Looks More Like a Fox, I’m Famous, Exploding Pigs, Ultra Maria Sisters, Loudly Shouting: The Game, Hello and so much more. What’s that? All of those games are exclusive to the consoles they were originally released on? Well, that’s the beauty of the Solar Entertainment System. We’ve taken the best commercial solar systems and combined them with classic consoles in order to create one portable super console that uses only renewable energy! Don’t ask us how we did it! Don’t ask us if it’s legal! Just accept that this is the greatest gaming system ever created and buy it from us.

There’s no need to buy those bootlegged emulation systems because they simply don’t work like our entertainment system does. With all those cheap emulators you have to find the games yourself. The SES comes pre-loaded with every game you could ever want and is updated regularly with the newest releases. Now don’t ask any more questions. Order the SES from us before it goes away forever! The Solar Entertainment System won’t be around much longer.

My Plumbing Book

Hardware / By

I can’t believe my book is selling so well! Who would have thought that people actually wanted to read a story about a simple plumber going about his daily life in Melbourne? Definitely not me, that’s for sure. I just assumed that this was a book which would never see the light of day. I only sent it to one agent, Janet McCallom, who rejected it pretty quickly. After that, I wasn’t even going to try to get it published.

This was purely a passion project and I was totally fine with that. I got the idea while getting some plumbing supplies in the Cheltenham area. Looking down at a plunger, I just had a sudden urge to write this story. Who is this plumber? Where is he from? Where is he going? Where does he live? They were questions I had to answer.

It was only when I attended the Victorian Festival for Writers That Don’t Want to Be Published and met an editor from HarpyColons that the publishing ball started rolling. I started talking to an editor, explaining what my book was about, and why I thought it shouldn’t be published. The editor pretended that he was there for reasons other than to find an author to publish, but as I finished my summary of the book, he pulled me aside and told me that he’d love to read it and maybe even buy it. It was against the rules of the convention, but I went along with it. Why not?

The next thing I know, I’m at my book launch, held at the hardware store close to Bentleigh where I first had the inspiration for this book. It just felt right to have it there. Thousands of people lined up for the launch at 5 am. I couldn’t believe it. One week later, it was official: New York Space bestseller. People loved the non-adventures of Jack “Double G” Plumbington. Now there’s pressure to write a sequel, but I’m really not sure l have it in me. I’d rather write a book about a mechanic next, or even better, an air conditioner repair company.

Cannot Stand Sewerage

Drains / By

I have never liked anything that is dirty. I don’t like germs, I don’t like animals and I most definitely do not like disgusting things like sewerage or plumbing. There would be no amount of money in the world that could get me to do any sort of job that involved getting dirty, and seriously I don’t know how tradespeople, especially plumbers, do it. It makes me feel sick to think that people would actually willingly touch that stuff, regardless of whether they’re getting paid insane amounts of money or not. People say that my fear of dirt and getting dirty is irrational. They’ll be saying otherwise when they’ve gotten sick from too many germs.

I can’t even imagine having to get down in the sewers (is that how it works, I don’t even know) and do a sewer replacement. Melbourne sewers would be absolutely disgusting with the amount of people we have living here, I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it. It would be an absolute nightmare to be anywhere near something like that. 

The only germy thing I ever touch is my phone, and I make sure to sanitise my hands before and after when I do so. You just can’t be too careful when it comes to germs. One wrong move and you’re sick for weeks. 

Now the reason I’ve brought this up in the first place is because my son-in-law has just started a new career as a plumber, and will be completing his apprenticeship for the next four years. He’s going to be doing everything that makes my stomach feel genuinely ill, and apparently he’s going to enjoy it. He’ll be doing everything from unclogging sinks to drain unblocking. Essendon, where he will be located, will have the cleanest drains in the world thanks to him. I know he’ll do a good job, but seriously, at what cost? Makes me feel sick.

The Mechanic’s Companion

Boats / By

I kept telling them while they were threatening to lock me up in here: I’m innocent. It’s not even a case of everyone in here saying the same thing, because the inhabitants of this secure facility are out-and-proud evil. They know their actions were utterly immoral, every last one of them, and they can’t wait to get out so they can build freeze rays and the likes.

By the way, there’s a device that instantly gives people a bushy afro hairstyle if they get caught in the radius. I was tricked into being a test subject for the latest version and my hair ended up interfering with ceiling fans for weeks.

As I keep trying to explain, I was trying to make things easier for stainless steel fabrication companies in Melbourne. Repairing boats and underwater welding is quite a formidable task, and sometimes requires people to be underwater for extended periods. It’s also just a little clunky overall, with boats best kept in the water and making the marine welding process difficult for the larger ones. I just thought that maybe, to expedite the installation of bait boards and such, I’d construct some mechanical helpers. Bait board helpers.

Okay, they look a little bit scary, with their entire upper body looking like a metal octopus and their lower body, legs with sharp flippers. But that’s so they can carry tools, and swim around underwater! The glowing red eyes are for easy identification underwater, and at night. The tensile gripping force of the tentacles had to be immense; it’s not like stainless steel marine fabricators can get away with just using light materials. And yes, while almost two-hundred prototypes all creepily lined up in a warehouse is excessive, I’m pioneering a new technology here. 

Oh, and that one that attacked the soldiers when they bust in was faulty. I even labelled it, ‘faulty’. I was gonna take it apart the next day.

Look, long story short, I wasn’t building an evil robot octopus army. I’m a friend of all marine fabricators, snapper rack fellows and fishing rod holder installers, everywhere. So you don’t need to put me to work on an invention that’ll help marine fabrication experts do their jobs; I already made one!!

-Dr S. Miles McSweet

Balance of Elements

Aluminium / By

Getting the right balance of going head-to-head with the elements and optimising your ride’s performance is no mean feat. What I mean is, if your aim is off-road adventures, then you don’t want your vehicle to be so cushy that you might as well be driving on the highway.

This might not make that much sense to city drivers, where driving is essentially a means to an end, but most off-roaders will get what I’m on about. Driving becomes a sport, and it’s no fun if it’s too easy. You don’t want the machine doing all the work for you, but you still need it to pull its weight. Like I said, it’s all about balance.

Personally, I’m less interested in mechanical performance enhancements than I am in the external hardware, such as aluminium ute canopies. Near Melbourne, most 4WDers see that stuff as secondary, whereas for me it’s half the fun. Besides, it does feed into the performance side of things, because factors like choice of tray and canopy can affect weight distribution across the whole vehicle. When you’re scaling sand dunes or negotiating water crossing, every detail of how your rig is put together makes a difference, and that’s where things get really interesting for me.

When it comes to buying 4×4 aluminium canopies, my best tip is to get something custom made. Once you get into the realm of tricked-out recreation vehicles, no two trucks end up the same, since everyone has slightly different priorities and a general interest in modifications. So, to get the weight distribution absolutely right, you’ll generally want a canopy that’s not available to buy off the shelf.

Honestly, getting custom accessories made might just be the funnest part of the whole business. There’s no feeling like driving away from an aluminium fabricator with a one-of-a-kind ute fitout. It’s almost as godlike a feeling as cruising down a dirt road, with just yourself and some random country radio station compilation for company.

Why, Though?

Property / By

Here’s a question. Why do property sales always go through real estate agents? Put that in your hat and sit on it. 

This is not meant to be making a point, or some kind of brain teaser. I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s actually a perfectly satisfying answer out there; as someone with very limited knowledge of how the property market works, I’m genuinely open to that. It’s just that, knowing only too well how careless and, frankly, slack real estate agents can be when it comes to managing rentals, I don’t get why we put so much faith in them when it comes to property sales. 

When I say ‘we’, I’m mostly referring to buyers. Vendors can trust them more because they’re paying them, but buyers are just left to go along with it and hope the agents will point them in the right direction rather than just do their best to push them into buying something. There are actually professionals that buyers can hire to advocate on their behalf, doing the kinds of things that real estate agents do for vendors, but not that many people seem to know about this.

I’m talking about property buyers’ agents. Around Melbourne, I’m guessing, there are probably quite a few, but people just don’t realise it’s an option. It could also be that, when you’re buying a house, the last thing you want to do is shell out more beans for yet another type of professional input – and that’s before you’ve even got the conveyancer involved. But hey, can you put a price on buying a house you actually want, rather than one you’ve been bullied into bidding on?

It’s all about the inside knowledge. In this day and age, our options need not be limited by convention when it comes to securing that, and I say that’s worth making the most of.